Friendship: “I’ll pay you” can be the beginning of the end

Is it 500, 5,000 or 50,000 euros? A friendship can drift apart if there are major differences in income. But that doesn’t have to be the case – if the communication is right. It is the easiest just to play Dragon Slots.

Party vacation, city trip or festival excursion: Is it really necessary? Financial circumstances can vary enormously within a group of friends – and some people can afford things that others have had to save up for for years. Deciding what to do together can therefore become a real ordeal at some point. How friends deal with wealth inequality and emerging envy so that it doesn’t become the undoing of the friendship.

“Unlike previous generations, adults today see themselves in constant social comparison processes due to a wealth of information,” says psychologist Carola Brücher-Albers. Even if there is no open exchange about income and financial circumstances in a circle of friends, differences quickly become apparent, says the spokesperson for the “Social Cohesion” working group of the Professional Association of German Psychologists.

However, actively talking about your financial situation is still rather unusual in Germany. According to financial coach and psychologist Monika Müller, this depends on the degree of closeness between friends. With very close friends, it can be worth having the courage to broach the subject, says financial coach Bijan Kholghi: “You’re usually relieved that the taboo subject is being broken and it can lead to fruitful and helpful conversations.”

Friendship: prepare conversations about money well

However, Monika Müller advises not to go into such conversations completely unprepared. “If it’s important to us to initiate the conversation, it should be prepared as well as possible so that something good can come out of it.” So you should at least ask yourself the question: Why do I even want to know how my friends are positioned financially? According to Müller, it makes sense to explain your motives in order to create understanding for the initiative among your friends. 

You should also consider whether you yourself would be willing to provide information about your own situation. If you have concerns about this, you will automatically have more understanding for others who don’t want to open up about it. Friends should always respect this.

However, especially if they notice that one or more of their circle of friends is withdrawing from more expensive activities and excursions, the exchange can be useful. According to Monika Müller, this is the only way to find good solutions. In order to work these out together, it is first important to know whether finances are the reason for the withdrawal in the first place – pure conjecture could do more harm than good.

Those who earn more are more considerate

Kholghi recommends that if there are indeed major differences in wealth that affect joint leisure or vacation plans, higher earners should always be considerate and look at the possibilities of others. “Strong cohesion in a social group – even in a circle of friends – is characterized by the fact that the ‘weakest’ […] is taken along,” Carola Brücher-Albers also believes.

After all, fun activities don’t necessarily have to cost a lot of money, says Kholghi. If you would like to do something with your friends, you can also think about a hiking trip or a bike tour. Both are usually much cheaper.

If you do want to do something special, Müller says it can be valuable to ask financially disadvantaged friends how they would like to deal with the situation in individual cases. Is someone willing to go beyond their financial limits for a special activity? Would the person like to take part, but would like a little more time to save up the money? Or could the others possibly even help out by lending or donating the money?

It’s very important to remember that friends shouldn’t simply start caring without having talked about it. A well-intentioned “I’ll pay you” that comes out of nowhere could be the beginning of the end of the friendship, says Müller.

Being well off is just one quality of many

And what if you yourself are the low earner in your circle of friends? What if the others earn more and you can feel yourself becoming envious? Then you should always remember that this is human, says financial coach Müller. However, you can also see it as an incentive when others earn more. You may even be able to learn from them – for example, if they have negotiated a better salary in a comparable job.

According to Müller, it can also help to pause for a moment and question the thoughts of envy: Is this even better? Would I benefit from it myself? Would I even be interested in the better-paid job of my boyfriend or girlfriend? Or am I perhaps totally happy with my job in a different industry – and the salary paid there? “Quite a few people pay a high price for spending 8 or 10 hours a day in a work context that they don’t enjoy,” says financial coach Müller.